我不適合戀愛

我想我並不適合戀愛。
我不喜歡喜歡上一個人的感覺。
我討厭這種患得患失的感覺。
我討厭自己不停猜測對方想法和心情的感覺。
我討厭我會不停討厭自己，覺得自己怎麼這麼不夠好的感覺。
我討厭自己很努力為他做了一些事情，卻被一盆大冷水澆得我從頭到尾透心涼。
我討厭我變得小氣，在意那些出現在你身邊每一個優秀的女生。
我討厭自己變得異常小氣、敏感、多疑、聒噪，不安、愛胡思亂想、甚至失去自我。
我討厭自己討厭那麼多的東西，一點也不可愛。

你可不可以不要偶爾突然地對我好？
你可不可以不要高興或者有空時就來關心我一下？
你可不可以不要勾引我？或者你認為沒有，但是我卻覺得有⋯⋯
你可不可以不要在我願意打開了心之後，又選擇不去接受它？

我願意讓你看到我的軟弱，我的眼淚。
那你是否可以讓我覺得安心呢？

我不適合愛情⋯⋯
我無法接受自己變得如此地沒耐性，不理智。
我要的，是安心的感覺。

可惜，你不會知道。
你不懂，也無心去懂。
可是，可以的話，我真地希望你知道：
既然我對你用心了，那你是否可以讓我安心呢？

Love at First Sight---Wislawa Szymborska

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

They’re both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is more beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they’d never met before, they’re sure
that there’d been nothing between them.
But what’s the word from the streets, staircases, hallways–
perhaps they’ve passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don’t remember–
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a “sorry” muttered in a crowd?
a curt “wrong number”caught in the receiver?–
but I know the answer.
No, they don’t remember.

They’d be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn’t read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood’s thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.